


Goodbye-ing Time

by romanticalgirl



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-30
Updated: 2014-01-30
Packaged: 2018-01-10 14:53:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1160997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romanticalgirl/pseuds/romanticalgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Originally posted 9/4/99</p>
    </blockquote>





	Goodbye-ing Time

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted 9/4/99

I close the door to my hotel room and look around. It's spacious enough for what I need. I set up my laptop immediately and sit down at the desk. My luggage should be here any moment. I glance at the phone, my hand hovering over the receiver.

I don't want to be here. I don't want to be home. 

Buffy's gone now, and so is Giles. There's a new Slayer in town and I don't even know her name. I wonder, for a silent moment, if she has a Watcher who cares for her like he cared for us. I wonder if she had friends or if, like every other Slayer but ours, she only has enemies. 

The knock at the door surprises me and I jump away from the phone. I won't call. He's probably not even around anymore. I'm reminded once more of the fact that the person I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with - the man I thought I'd grow old with - is the man I'll never talk to again. 

"Yes?" 

"Your bags, Ma'am." 

"Who are they for?" 

"Ms. Willow Rosenberg." 

I open the door and let the bellboy bring the bags in. I tip him, generously. I remember how hard it can be to make ends meet in a job like this. "Are the other constituents here?" 

"Most have arrived, Ms. Rosenberg. There's to be a cocktail party at four. Your packet is on the desk." 

I turn and see a notebook under my laptop. "Of course. Thank you." 

"Oh, I forgot. This came for you." He hands me a note. "Good day, Ms. Rosenberg." 

I look down at the paper, knowing already what it says. Oz never forgets to welcome me to a new hotel with some sweet song lyric. I read it and smile, as I always do. And, as I always do, I remember how I used to wonder if I'd ever find romance. 

Then I remember the moment in my life when I had far too much. 

I glance at the mirror across from the bed. "Stop it, Willow. Remembering isn't going to do you any good. Just because you're in Sunnydale, doesn't mean you're back in high school. Now, get changed and go to the party." 

I sound like a mom. I run my hand over my flat stomach, wondering what it would be like. We've been trying, but not succeeding. Oz blames himself and we both blame our hectic schedules. I wonder what it would be like to hold my baby - strawberry blond hair and green eyes. At least until it got hold of the hair dye. 

I shake my head and make my way to the shower. Sunnydale is full of too many memories. If I'm not careful, I just might lose myself in them. 

***

"Willow!" One of my colleagues caught my attention from across the sea of tuxedoes and long dresses. I wave back and start making my way over to her. I'm trying desperately not to spill my champagne and in an effort to dodge a laughing couple, I step backwards and collide with someone. 

"I'm so sor" I turn and freeze, the champagne glass falling, shattering on the parquet floor. "ry." 

"It's okay." His brown eyes are like molten chocolate. "No harm done." 

I don't get it. It's as if he doesn't recognize me. Have I changed so much? "Pleplease excuse me." I move away quickly, losing myself in the crowd. I'd thought never seeing him again was the worst thing imaginable. I was wrong. 

He'd forgotten me. 

I find quiet corner and lean against the wall. I want the Hellmouth to open up and swallow me. I want to cry. I want to slap him. 

I guess seeing him again doesn't change anything about how I feel when I'm around him. 

"I thought I'd find you here." 

I look up at him, wondering. "Is this some sort of game, Xander?" 

"No game, Wills. I just didn't believe it was you at first. And when I realized it was - you were real, not just me mistaking some other woman for you, you were gone." His smile is still the same. "You're here for the convention?" 

"You?" I ask as I nod. 

"No. I own the hotel." He laughs at my expression and I can't help but join him. "I inherited it from my Uncle Rory." 

"I didn't know." 

"No. I didn't imagine that you did." He reaches out and almost strokes my cheek, pulling his hand away at the last moment. "You disappeared on me, Willow." 

I step away, unable to deal with him being this close to me. I left right after graduation and defeating the mayor. I couldn't stay. Oz was hurt and he needed me. Xander and Iwell, that was in the past. "II had to." 

"I don't suppose you'd be willing to blow off this party and have dinner with me?" He's watching me and I can tell he expects me to say no. I fully intend on saying no. 

I've never been able to say no to him. 

"Of course I would." 

***

I turn my key and press the button that will take us up to the top floor to my private suite. I'm playing with fire here. I'm fully aware of that fact. But the minute I saw herI couldn't believe that Willow was standing in front of me for the first time in ten years. She's wearing a long, slinky black dress and for a few precious seconds after I turned around, it was like we were back in her bedroom trying on outfits for homecoming. 

"Are you just a member of the convention or are you one of the big-wigs?" 

"If I were a big-wig, I wouldn't be here in Sunnydale." Her voice is soft. "I'm just here for my company." 

"Your own? Or someone else's?" 

"Someone else's. I didn't want to have to be the boss, just wanted to do my job." She smiles then as she looks at me. "I can't believe you're running this thing, Xander. I never would have guessed hotel management." 

"Never look a gift horse in the mouth. Even if it's the Hellmouth." 

I hear her giggle and I want to dance. As long as I can still make her laugh I can do anything. 

"Are youare you married?" 

I shake my head. "Never found the right girl." The rest of the sentence hangs between us. I wish I could say it. I wish I could say that it's a lie. I found the right girl, I just couldn't hold onto her. "You?" 

She holds up her left hand. "Three years next month." 

I open my mouth to speak, but no sound comes out. Finally, I find my voice. "Oz?" 

"Yep." 

The elevator glides to a stop and the doors whoosh open. My suite covers the entire top floor of the hotel and I know it looks amazing. Willow steps out of the car and gazes around in wonder. 

"Xanderwow." 

I take her hand, trying to ignore the rush of electricity that shoots up my arm. "Come here." I bring her over to the window and present the view to her. "What do you think?" 

"It looks so safe from up here." 

The softness of her voice catches me right in the heart. "Have you been?" 

"No." Suddenly the voice is hard. I can tell she's fighting tears. "I won't go. I won't remember them like that. I'll remember them in the library, laughing and full of life." 

I pull her into my arms and let her sob against my chest. I don't care that her tears are soaking a very expensive tuxedo. And, much to my surprise, I don't care that she's this close to me. All I care about it my friends - the two I buried so long ago and the one I thought long lost who I'm holding in my arms. 

"Will"

"Xander?" She looks up at me and her green eyes are glistening with tears. She steps back quickly, moving to the wall of books. "What are these? I don't see you as a big reader." 

"They're Giles'. He asked me to take care of them. I have some of his things that he wanted you to have. Whenever you want them. No one knew where you were, so we weren't able to send them." I stand there, afraid to move. I don't want to scare her. 

"I miss them, Xander. I missed you too." 

"You could have come home." 

I curse my stupid mouth as her body straightens. She touches the spines of the books we spent our high school years scouring for information on the latest demon. "No. I couldn't." 

I can't stand the silence. "Are you hungry? We could order something. I have pretty good connections. We could probably get a nice table." 

She turns and smiles at me and I start breathing again. "Dinner sounds good." 

***

Willow's eyes widen as my best waiter lays out a feast fit for a king. "Who exactly do you plan on feeding, Xander? An army?" 

"Only the best for my Willow." 

"Your" she stops and blushes. I'm not doing so well, pretending that she doesn't get to me. I keep forgetting all the intervening years where she disappeared and became somebody else's wife. "I don't think I've eaten this much in my entire life." 

"Ah, but you forget, the bottomless pit, Alexander Harris, is your dinner guest." I poke myself in the chest. "My appetite hasn't changed." I hold up the bottle of wine and wait for her to nod. "Shall we?" 

***

I lift the glass of wine to my lips, staring at Xander over the rim. He's so much the same. Older, more mature and more self confident, but he's still silly and sweet and Xandery. It amazed me that a little as an hour ago I was afraid of running into him, simply because I was afraid that he'd be exactly the same. Or afraid he'd be completely different. 

"So you know all the sordid details of my life up till now. Why don't you tell me all about what you've been up to." 

I wonder where to start, deciding to do exactly what he did. "Well, after the mayor's defeat, I went home and packed. I called Oz and asked him if he wanted to run away from it all. I think he thought I was joking until he got to my house, since we had to go back for his things." 

"Why did you go?" 

"After what happenedwith Faith and what almost happened to Buffy, I realized I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't watch my best friend sacrifice her life every night. I realized that night that there would be a day when Buffy didn't show up from patrol. And I couldn't face it." 

"Why didn't you explain?" 

"Because I knew if I talked to you or Buffy or Giles I would stay. I wouldn't be able to go. I'd feel guilty or obligated or wrong or" I took a long sip of wine. "I wanted to run away this time, before Buffy had the opportunity." 

"Where did you go?" 

"Where didn't we? We went everywhere, taking odd jobs or Oz would play a gig to earn money. We finally settled in Boston and I went to work for a computer analysis firm. Oz is pretty famous on the eastern seaboard and he travels quite a bit." 

I expected the question before he asked it. It was the hardest question for him to ask. And the hardest answer for me to give. "Why did you get married after all that time?" 

"I got pregnant." 

"Oh. So there's a little Oz or Ozette running around?" 

"No." I finished the glass and held it out for him to refill it. I shouldn't be drinking so much. But facing the past you're not exceptionally proud of is a lot easier with the warm buzz of alcohol. "About four weeks after the wedding, I miscarried. Since we'd gone ahead and gotten married, we didn't see any reason to change it." 

"You guys are stilltogether, right? You're sort of making it sound like you're not." 

"We are. We don't see each other much, because of our jobs, but we're still married. Still in love. Still just Oz and Willow." 

He takes a sip of his wine. "I see." 

"Do you hate me, Xander? For running away?" 

He looks up quickly. A mask falls over his eyes, but not before I see the emotion there. "I could never hate you, Willow. Yeah, I was disappointed. Yeah, I was hurt, but I don't hate you." 

"But?" 

"Butmy best friend deserted me and didn't leave a forwarding address. She ran off and left all these feeling unresolved. She ran off and left me to deal with everything all by myself. And I had gotten so used to her helping me through things that I didn't know how to handle it." 

I slip off my chair and, against my better judgement, sit in the chair next to his. "I'm sorry, Xander. I just couldn't be that strong anymore." 

"But you never gave me the chance to be strong for you, Willow." He stares at his hands, trying desperately to avoid my gaze. "And you didn't tell me what to do with all these feelings." 

"Feelings?" 

He grabbed the wineglass and threw it, shattering it against the far wall. "Feelings, damn it!" He got off his chair and started pacing the room. "I couldn't forget like you could! I couldn't go on with things like nothing had happened between us! I couldn't pretend that I didn't love you!" 

"Is that what you think I did? Is it?" I can't believe how quickly the old, familiar anger wells up. Ten years ago, I would have pretended it wasn't there, but now I can't. "You think the minute Oz and Cordelia caught us, I forgot it happened? You think I just conveniently forgot how it felt to hold you and kiss you? You think, after loving you most of my life, that I could just walk away without a second thought?" 

"That's what you did!" he yells. 

"I left because I couldn't stay away from you, Alexander Harris. I left because I was sure you didn't want me anymore! You got so caught up in Cordelia again - her crush on Wesley, her dad's money. You got so caught up in helping the Beauty queen that once again I fell by the wayside." 

"You were dating Oz!" 

"Because you didn't want me!" We're both screaming at one another. "You got your quick thrills with the girl you weren't supposed to have and then, when you got caught you just walked away." 

"I walked away because you wanted Oz back!" 

"Because I knew you didn't love me and I couldn't go through my life loving you as much as I did and knowing that you didn't love me." 

"I do love you!" 

***

After all the screaming, the intensity of the quiet is almost deafening. You could cut the air with a knife. I simply stare at her, realizing that I have two choices. I take it back, joke my way out of it like I would have when I was seventeen. 

Or I admit it. I admit the truth I've been carrying around and steadfastly denying for more than ten years. 

"I love you, Willow." 

Tears well up in her eyes and pour down her cheeks. I'm afraid to touch her, afraid of making a bad situation worse. 

"I know that I have the worst timing in the world. I know that you're married and happy and all those other things, but I can't hide it now. I can't live my life without telling you the truth. I can't lie to you anymore." I step forward slowly, thinking she might run just like a startled deer. 

"Youyou love me?" 

"Yeah, Wills. I do." 

"You son of a bitch." She turns on her heel and storms to the elevator. 

Well, out of all the reactions I expected that was one I didn't. "Where are you going?" 

"To my room." 

"Why?" 

"Because I don't want to talk to you." 

I'm lost. "What did I do?" 

The elevator doors opened and she was gone. 

***

I throw my things in my suitcase, determined to get the hell out of this hotel and out of Sunnydale. For good. I grab my laptop and put it in its case. As I do so, the note Oz sent me flutters to the ground. I pick it up and read it. 

_"A sudden stranger you met today/knows your past you can't escape/_  
Destiny he's your chosen one/forgive him for his transgression/  
Open your heart and your mind/don't you know it's goodbye-ing time?"

My tears of anger are replaced by tears of a different kind. Oz knew. He knew better than I did. I look over at the telephone and see the message light blinking. I pick it up and press the button to retrieve them. 

"Hey baby, did you figure it out yet? I hope so. We had some great years, didn't we? But it's his turn now. I don't like it, but I know it. And I want you to be happy. You haven't been happy for a long time now. Just do me a favor? Don't name the kid after me. That would be punishment crueler than anything the Hellmouth could throw at him. I love you Willow." 

I hang up and struggle to hold myself together. My husband just left me. For my own good. And I just left the man I love. I hear the knock through my haze. "Yes?" 

"Ms. Rosenberg? I'm here for your bags." 

"My bags?" 

"You did call for the bellboy, did you not?" 

Right. I was running away again. "Yes." I open the door and let him in. He pulls in the cart and starts to load it. All I can do is stare across the hall, where Xander is standing. "I understand you're the hotel manager?" 

He nods. "Yes Ma'am." 

"Well, I'm afraid I don't find this room to my satisfaction." 

"Well, that's terrible. Is there anything I can do?" 

"I saw a room earlier that I liked. Can you see if it's occupied?" 

"I believe the room you mean is indeed occupied, but I'm sure that, if you don't mind sharing, the current guest would be willing to accommodate you." Xander smiles and all of a sudden I'm seventeen again and I'm looking across my bedroom at the man I've loved all my life. I'm looking at my Xander. 

My Willow smiles at me. "Are you sure he won't mind?" 

"Oh no. He's been waiting for you all his life." 

* * *


End file.
